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Only joking - News - School links - Exercises - Post Office - Guest book
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't knowHere are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room.
about it until the next morning?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 6. "Did he kill you?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 21. Q. "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
A. "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
More things found on exam papers...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics.
The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book - Guinessis - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems, verses and literature.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". When she exposed herself before her troops, they shouted "Hurrah."
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100ft clipper.
The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Warning, Read the Label !
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets! What's for dinner?)On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief)
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