and from the former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle:
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

and : "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going  to the polls."

"No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from!"
                        --Linus van Pelt

Une histoire de dinosaur ... 

O.K. This time I'm not joking, it's really true ...  I was in a newspaper shop, minding my own business and quietly reading all the magazines about computers, internet etc  - for free, as usual, when suddenly I saw ... !!!! THIS !!! and I actually bought the magazine ! (Maybe it's a new selling technique ...)

First of all, where ? (you can check)
Hebdo MICRO N° 21 (tous les jeudis - semaine du 10 au 16 septembre 1998)
 Rubrique "ça vient de sortir"  (page 6)  - le texte bleu ... c'est moi...

"TRADUCTION POUR ANGLOPHONES" (sans doute une traduction faite par des non-anglophones)

 "Voici un logiciel pas trop cher (on comprendra pourquoi), capable de traduire de l'anglais vers le français et réciproquement ( je n'en suis pas convaincu - on pourrait presque parler de tromperie sur la marchandise)... côté résultats, disons qu'il (le logiciel) est capable de traduire des mots et des phrases simples.(très simples même, de préférence les phrases qui ne dépassent pas trois mots ... et encore ...)"
 
 

And here, proudly, they give a sample of its possibilities :
 
 

FANTASTIC, ISN'T IT ?? - If you want to buy this personal (very personal) translator, follow my advice - dispatch and don't drink tight coffee ... drink a hurried lemon instead ...

 

Here's the sort of humour I really appreciate ...
 Found on the Web -

GOOD TRICKS, GOOD IDEAS, DEEP THOUGHTS ..

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
 
 

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?
 

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
 
 
 
 

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
 

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
 
 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face
 
 

Some lawyer jokes are quite funny, but the funniest stories actually happened in court ... take a look

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